“Uwe Boll and the Retard Doctors across the world would like to warn you not to watch the following film. This movie is a disgrace to all mankind for not slowly building suspense, having a bunch of people in just one location for an hour and a half and, most of all, for having no budget. The makers of this film should be shot in the testes.”
The above statement is accompanied with what sounds like the red alert siren on a movie submarine. What follows is a filmed talking head of Boll repeating these sentiments, followed by a fake news report calling Zombiegeddon a “fucking piece of shit”.
Zombiegeddon is trying to act like it is smarter than you by trying to get out in front of your loud and constant complaints about what a bad bad video (it is listed as a video, not a movie, on IMDb) it is and how that’s the point.
It even purports its bona fides by casting the likes of makeup and prosthetics legend Tom Savini, whom has worked closely with Romero over the years, as a character in Zombiegeddon claiming to be Jesus Christ.
It also features scream-queen Brinkie Stevens, and even Edwin Neal of Texas Chain-Saw Massacre fame.
In actuality, Zombiegeddon is the worst kind of movie: The purposely-bad movie. Of the same ilk of the Sharknadoes of the world, Zombiegeddon thinks that if it just acts badly on purpose it will become on instant cult classic.
Actually, it is just a fat, uncouth video about two asshole cops trying to save the day.
The zombies in the movie are really just the tools of the devil, his response to God creating man, and they can make themselves look like humans or traditional zombies at will, begging the question: Why look like zombies at all in the first place? But to question this movie means you have played right into its hands.
But even more infuriating than the flat-out terrible movie making – everything is so bright, for one; the acting beyond wooden for another – is the fact that the film makes two cops who murder at will, sexually abuse teenagers, and mostly just act like complete sadists the heroes of the film.
The half-hearted redemption they receive at the end of the film does nothing to justify making these cops the protagonists. Watching this video so close to the recent verdict in the Darren Wilson indictment hearing as the city of Ferguson, MO once again erupts in an uproar over the militarization of police just further illuminates what a terrible decision these characters are.
All my complaining about its portrayal of cops, its non-zombies that look more like sickly bread than terrifying monsters, its vomit inducing dialogue like “Lesbians are cool, right?” is ultimately for nothing. Because when we realize what Zombiegeddon is trying to do, and try to combat it, it ultimately wins because you cannot give less fucks than this movie can.
It has no standards. It has no morals. It has no desires. It is not a video nasty, but simply a nasty video.
|Buy the film at Amazon.com|
|Buy the film at Amazon.co.uk|
Written by: JJ Perkins